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A scientist, and physicist and an economist…

Admin — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 05:28:21 +0000

A scientist, and physicist and an economist were trapped on a desert island. they had one can of beans but no can opener. the scientist said “lets assume that i smash the can with a rock then we could split the beans evenly,” but the others said they would lose too much in the process. the physicist said “lets assume i put the can in the fire and wait til it pops open and then we split the beans evenly,” but the others said it could explode and theyd lose the beans. so the economist said “assume we have a can opener…”

Source

Golfer

Admin — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 03:00:52 +0000

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.

He said ‘How bad is it doc? I’m going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin – in every way’

The doctor told him, ‘I’ll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.’

He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon.

That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. She said, ‘You’re the first; no one has EVER touched these.’

He immediately drops his pants and replies, ……’Look at this, ……..still in the CRATE!

Brazilian Soldiers

Admin — Tue, 01 Nov 2011 00:01:40 +0000

An aide walks into the oval office. George W. Bush is currently president, and the Iraq war is dragging out into a long and grueling occupation. The aide presents the numbers from yesterday to the President.

“Mr. President, yesterday the US coalition forces killed a confirmed 36 insurgents.”

The President nodded his head patriotically.

“There were some losses on our end, however.” The aide continued. “We lost a US hummer with four soldiers in it to an IED outside of Tekrit, and 2 Brazilian soldiers were killed in a crossfire in Baghdad.”

The president nodded solemnly with the news of the hummer, but his face was ashen by the end of the sentence, and he buried his face in his hands. The aide looked startled, “Sir, what’s the matter.”

With scared eyes, the president looked up and mumbled “How many is a brazilian?”

Source

A Husband and Wife Get in a Fight

Admin — Thu, 06 Oct 2011 09:26:16 +0000

A husband and wife get in a fight one morning so when the man comes home from work he brings her some flowers.

He hands them to her, she kisses him and then drops her pants and pulls up her skirt.

She says “This is for the flowers!”

He says “Honey, don’t you have a vase?”

Source

An Engineer Goes To Hell

Admin — Thu, 22 Sep 2011 01:27:09 +0000

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell. It doesn’t take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day, God calls Satan and says with a sneer: “So, how are things in Hell?” Satan replies: “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.” “What!” God exclaims: “You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake — he should never have been sent to Hell… send him to me.” “Not a chance,” Satan replies: “I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him!” God insists: “Send him back or I’ll sue.” Satan laughs uproariously and answers: “Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?”

Source

What’s For Dinner?

Admin — Sat, 14 May 2011 12:50:14 +0000

A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean it, prepare it, and serve the deer meat for dinner. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won’t eat it if they know what it is, so he doesn’t tell them.

His little boy keeps asking him, “What’s for dinner dad?”

“You’ll see”, he replies.

They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps asking him what they are eating.

“Ok”, says her dad, “Here’s a hint. It’s what your mother sometimes calls me.”

His daughter screams “Don’t eat it, Jimmy! It’s a fucking asshole!”

Source: Reddit

Swearing

Admin — Fri, 13 May 2011 08:33:48 +0000

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

‘You know what?’ says the 7 year old, ‘I think it’s about time we started
swearing.’

The 4 year old nods his head in approval, so the 7 year old says, ‘When we
go downstairs for breakfast I’m gonna swear first, then you swear after me,
ok?’

‘Ok’ the 4 year old, agrees with enthusiasm..

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for
breakfast.

‘Oh, shit mum, I don’t know, I suppose I’ll have some Coco Pops’

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up,
and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, ‘ And what do
YOU want for breakfast, young man?’

‘I don’t know,’ he blubbers, ‘but it won’t be fucking Coco Pops’

Bagpipes

Admin — Sun, 24 Apr 2011 01:41:35 +0000

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to
play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and
the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and
they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the
grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what
else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my
heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never
played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen
nothin’ like that before, and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Shark & Son

Admin — Mon, 23 Aug 2010 22:39:37 +0000

A shark and his son are going to get some food. They look for a vessel in distress, and when they finally find one, the father says to the son, “I’m going to teach you how to catch your first human. First, you raise your dorsal fin slightly out of the water. Second, you raise all of your fins out of the water, and start circling around them. Finally, you go in and eat them.”

The father and son swim over to the vessel, and the son executes the meal with ease. The father is impressed with his son, and commends him on his excellent performance. But the son is troubled and asks, “Why do we raise our fins out of the water and circle around them? Wouldn’t it just be easier to go in and eat them?”

The father replies, “They taste better without shit in them.”

And That’s When The Fight Started…

Admin — Mon, 12 Jul 2010 00:07:08 +0000

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift…
The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
“Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
And that’s how the fight started…..

I asked my wife,
‘Where do you want to go for our anniversary?’
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
‘Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!’
she said.
So I suggested, ‘How about the kitchen?’
And that’s when the fight started…

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have Sex?’
‘No,’ she answered.
I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying ‘Yes..’
So I said, ‘Then I’d like to phone a friend.’
And that’s when the fight started…

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
‘I’ll have the rump steak, medium rare, please.’
He said, ‘Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?’
‘Nah, she can order for herself.’
And that’s when the fight started…..

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.
She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’
I said, ‘Dust’
And then the fight started..

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.’
I bought her a set of bathroom scales.
And then the fight started…

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, ‘Do you know him?’
‘Yes,’ she sighed,
‘He’s my old boyfriend…. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.’
‘My God!’ I said, ‘Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’
And then the fight started…

I rear-ended a car this morning.. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it… he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
‘I AM NOT HAPPY!’
So, I looked down at him and said, ‘Well, then which one are you?’
And then the fight started